Sometimes you do and say something that you would probably not say… Maybe its coz it would make you look stupid, maybe it would make you look stubborn, even possibly make you look fake or uptight. I have learnt that the only way you can be fake is by trying to act like someone else… even if its for a moment to impress someone else.
I had know for a while now that my threshold for acting like someone else had slowly worn really thin. I would earlier say or do something in the spur of the moment just to fit in… lately I just cant. It might sound weird but I cant lie to myself even if its a small white lie…
Recently I have realized that I prided my honesty about everything else… Weirdly my honesty is just that ‘an act I consider as fair’, it need not be a fair act in anyone else’s eyes but I still need to quench the thirst of my soul by standing upto my beliefs.
What really scares you is when you begin to wonder if someones idea of a harmless joke or a prank bites into your idea of honesty. Some people may call it gamesmanship and say its all a part of the game and its ok to do it… I, it seems cant stand by that. Its possibly an idea instilled in me by someone(I know who but I wont go into that) but for me even a defeat is not painful if there was honesty in the attempt… On the contrary I would rather lose than win using a method I do not consider honest… even if the game was played for the sake of fun.
Its amazing how 15 min can teach you more about yourself than years sometimes. I learnt the above about myself earlier today… I know there is a possibility that I can be wrong but then again isnt right and wrong what we make out of it?
Its not that by walking that path I automatically am more moral than anyone around… It actually does not concern me how moral I am wrt to people around me, what matters to me is that if I feel immoral in doing something that I have the strength to stand up and say… “You know what guys… this is not working for me. I cant be a part of this and give a full 100% you guys deserve. Its better off you guys went on without me.”