A few months back I had an epiphany of sorts. In a moment of clarity, I realized that by imposing a lot of restrictions to myself, I had severely limited the experiences I have had. Most of these restrictions seemed trivial and unimportant, actually I could see far too many people around me making the exact same choices.
I cant narrate you the circumstances that lead to my epiphany, nor can I tell you why I cant narrate it but if you are keen to find out, you can ask me in person and I promise I will tell you :)
What is important though, is what happened to me after that moment; Life suddenly seemed so much more exotic, it was as if I was watching life in a black and white television, all my life and suddenly there was a burst of color in the scene.
The biggest change had to be to my self image. I used to spend a lot of time being worried about how people perceive me. It wasn’t like I used to sit down and wonder about it, but whenever I had to make a big decision it used to always be involved in making the decision.
Letting go of that self image… for the lack of a better metaphor, freed my soul. I wasnt afraid of who I was or what people thought of me anymore; I was who I was.
Ever since I let go of those self condemned chains, I have been a lot more happier, I am far more ‘present’ when in the company of people, I am far more open minded to people choices. I am dying for new experiences and no longer worried of failing in tasks that I set myself.
As a consequence, I have made more friends during that time. I have received genuine admiration and have been able to help people out in situation that I would have doubted my ability to help someone. I am even writing a lot more.
Life has this weird sense of humor, just when you think you have it figured out, it throws your world upside down; And in that disoriented state you realize that life itself makes so much more sense this way around.
I keep remembering this line from American Beauty, that so beautifully summarizes my situation:
…it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life…