If you can read this, you’re not the president.
On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
If it ain’t broke, take it apart and fix it.
Never believe generalizations.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.
Dyslexics are teople poo.
I don’t think, therefore I am not.
Say “NO” to drugs. That will bring the prices down.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows.
Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).
Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you’re a jerk.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
If you can read this, I’ve lost the trailer!
Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I didn’t climb all the way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Follow that car, Godzilla – and step on it!
Procrastinate now.
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.
So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
Think globally, Act galactically.
My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost
I have a degree in Liberal Arts – do you want fries with that?
You – Off my planet.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
Gravity: It’s not just a good idea. It’s the law.
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
Don’t make me mad. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.