During my 25 years I have had a few moments of my life that were connected with the fragility of life and death. Each one of those moments taught and inspired me to rethink and reevaluate my life.

Life:

The earliest memory for me of anyone being born was that of my cousin sister. This was close to 16 years ago… She is the youngest of my cousins from my mom’s side and I still remember vague images of the hospital as we waited for the baby. Among the cousins on my mom’s side(will talk about my relatives in another post) my sister was the eldest and me the second eldest. My other younger cousins were with us and I remember all of us getting excited about the baby and even christening her with her first nickname. We still refer to her with that name

The next memory is that of my cousin giving birth. This was a cousin from my Dad’s side, from that side of the family I am one of youngest… We happened to be at the hospital at the right moment and I watched as they carried the baby out of the delivery room. I was still young and did not truly appreciate the magic of child birth… I remember simply standing over the baby and looking at him… This was about 10 years ago…

My best memory in this regard was one in which I didnt see the baby in person for almost 3 months after he was born. When one of my closest friends in engineering told me that she was expecting I was estatic. This was till then the closest person I knew who was going to have a baby. The only bummer was that she was in another continent… I remember calling her up to congratulate her and few times later to talk about the baby with her. It was one of the most exciting things I had ever been around. I finally saw the baby when she came down to her hometown(also my hometown) for the naming ceremony.

I remember sitting across the table and asking her questions about pregnancy and child birth. I was never more excited about the stages and events. I even asked her if it was spiritual in any way.

To be entirely honest, the biggest regret of being born a man for me is that I wont be able to give birth to a baby. Lot of ppl(mostly my female friends) think that I should be happy for that coz I am spared the pain and suffering of child birth. But honestly I cant fathom doing anything in my life that can be as beautiful and important as giving birth to someone… I sometimes look back at life and wonder if I have or will ever justify receiving the gift of life… something tells me that once you give birth to someone, you will have an answer to the question…

Death:

In the movie “Before Sunrise“, Ethan Hawke’s character Jesse says : ” This friend of mine had a kid, and it was a home birth, so he was there helping out and everything. And he said at that profound moment of birth, he was watching this child, experiencing life for the first time, I mean, trying to take its first breath… all he could think about was that he was looking at something that was gonna die someday. He just couldn’t get it out of his head. And I think that’s so true, I mean, all – everything is so finite. But don’t you think that that’s what, makes our time, at specific moments, so important?”

I have always believed that life and death are just phases of a grand scheme of things. I have always believed in rebirth and the Hindu philosophy of the cycles of life and death… So in many ways I dont feel as sad as most people do when I hear about death. Dont get me wrong the sadness is there, the pain of a good human being not there anymore is there too but deep down I just know that this is how things are meant to be.

There have been three deaths that have had very profound impact on me. The first two were my grandfathers… both had lived a full and fruitful life. In many ways I dont remember being in extreme depression on those days. I was much younger of course to understand what was all happening around me.

The death of my first grandfather(Dad’s side) happened when I was much younger. My memories are limited to visiting my village and laying my grandfather to rest. I have a distinct memory of waiting for the crows to come and eat the food placed in an open field(a hindu custom). My dad rarely mentions him, but my mom always spoke highly of my grandfather, that always left a hole in me wishing I could have known him better.

The death of my second grandfather(Mom’s side) happened only a few years ago. I was never very close to my grandfather and interacted with him very rarely. His image in my mind was of a strict man whom we saw from time to time. As I grew older the interactions were even more sparingly, he hardly visited us and though my dad met him very often I hardly ever saw him. When ever the opportunity came I was too busy playing with my cousins.

My grandfather was an amazing man. I heard stories about him from my mom and grandmom, stories about how hard he worked to come from extreme poverty to richness. About how he did little things keep my mom and her siblings happy. About how they went to watch movies together and how he interacted with my dad and other people.

It was all that which changed the way I looked at death… I remember seeing him after his death and I realized that we are all losers in front of death. Here was a man who had achieved almost everything he set out to do and yet only a few were remembered about him and sadly not all were very flattering.

I stood by and watched him being buried and wondered if this was the right kindof goodbye he deserved. I wasnt old enough to have say in the things that were happening around me but the whole experience left me saddened.

The next experience with death was the most profound of all my experiences. I have already written about it in detail in this blog entry I made about 4 years ago -> In My Hands…

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A lot of my philosophies about life are based on the above incidents. If I look back now and think about each of those incidents and my thoughts at that time, there was no way for me to know then that I was going to be changed by them…

When you are thin and visibly weak its very easy to be picked on by the bigger guys. I almost always sat in the first couple of benches (my height being a direct criteria there) and my closest friends were others that sat in the first couple of benches. I was almost always picked last for sports (not that we played a lot of sports).

But the single most irritating thing for me in my schooling days had to be standing in the front row at the school assembly. It might seem odd but standing there for the first thirty minutes of the day could and would ruin the taste of most days. I remember arguing with my closest friends about who would stand in front that day… Two of my closest friends is school(and life) were as short as me, back then.

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Looking back I really dont regret the fact that I had joined school a year younger, that one year advantage was one of the most important things in my life. It taught me some of my most cherished lessons of life.

High School wasnt exactly a memorable time of my life for me. So when I headed to college (Pre-University) I was really looking forward to changing that feeling. In my two years in PU I made a lot of new friends. Things were different here, I hardly knew a couple of people in my class of 160… it was almost like starting with a clean slate and that meant that I interacted with a lot of people. The one common thing here again was that I was the youngest in friends circle.

Things were different now though, I was encouraged more by my friends and we had this feeling of being together in a war or something. I cant remember even once when someone reminded me of my age, I guess when you are busy worrying about the rest of your life other things dont easily come to mind. Despite everything, I will always love and respect my friends for that.

When I walked into Engineering College, I wasnt that excited about losing the set of friends I had developed over the last two years. But things turned out better than I expected, apparently the torture that was college helped bring the sufferers closer. I was once again the youngest in my friends circle and that meant that my friends at times subconsciously used to protect me. They would never push me to do anything… if I refused they didnt argue, I would do what I wanted and they would happily do the rest of the task. Even now when I meet a few friends I see that look as if they are looking at an younger brother in their eyes. I was oddly very comfortable with that place actually.

Starting out with a year head-start meant that I could be the youngest in my peer circle to do things. Most notably, I started working when I was 20 and started my own company when I was 22 (both happening weeks before my birthday). All these milestones meant a lot to me. It directly promised me a better shot at my future and I clearly liked the the idea.

But being the youngest almost everywhere has its set of complexities. There is a beautiful line in the movie “Before Sunset” where Ethan Hawke talks about how he never actually grew up and felt like a 13 year old in front of the world… For me life has mostly been like that. I have never felt the need to prove my adulthood to anyone.

I got my car driving license when I was 18 but didnt start regularly driving a car untill almost a month or two ago. Lot of ppl asked me why I didnt drive regularly. the honest answer of “I just didnt feel like it” never satisfy them. I have watched a lot of people run head-on to prove to the world that they are responsible and can do mature things. I on the other hand have been happy with what I could do for now. What this has meant is that I get a lot of those “Why dont you do that, everybody your age can do that?” speeches. All I do know is that the effect of that on me has almost worn off… One good way of making me NOT do something is to tell me that everybody else is doing it

Most of my life I have been enamored by people older than me. But what I realize now is that, in the long journey of life, an year or two or even five doesnt make much of a difference. Maybe its easy to say that when you are 25 but “Who we are” is determined by our experiences and choices… Age you see is just a number… Being a year younger probably matters in those early years but when you are out in the world, what truly matters is how you make the remaining years of your life count…

The last four years of my life has been well documented thanks to this blog and my writings in my personal journal and at other places, but its the time before that where things are hazy. I have very little memories about my childhood… a few special days, photos that recreate scenes that I recognize… but its no where near enough.

My teenage years have lots of important and special memories, People and places that cannot be separated from who I was, what I wanted to be and what I became… Then my recent past, stronger and sweeter memories… Events that if I close my eyes I can feel them happening right then and there…

There is a lot about the last 25 years that are truly special to me. I have never mentioned those events and people in my blog or my writings. So I have decided to write this series of posts which talk about these 25 years of my life.

This has probably been done before but I am going to try something different. The mind you see does not sort things according to chronological order, it has this awesome tagging system that links events together. Each post will be about a common theme and my experiences about that theme… in chronological order.

Now a lot of the things I mention here will be deeply personal, so not all posts will be available publicly. My Lj friends will have the benefit of seeing most of these posts and even fewer will have access to all of the posts. Sorry guys but I need to do this as a few of things I mention will be about people who are probably going to be reading my blog…

So here is to a new beginning… right back from square one…

Ps: If you are not an LJ friend and want access to my personal posts, mail me

For my 25th birthday I decided to look back in my life and thank all those amazing people that have touched my life making it more special for me. I sent out a few emails but no where near the number I had initially in my mind.

One of the biggest groups of friends I have had over the year has to be the readers of my blog. You guys have inspired me at the right moments, encouraged me when I need it the most, shared my thoughts, gave me strength at my weakest of moments and added to my happiness on all those special occasions… Thank you guys, thanks for everything.

During these four short years I have met so many amazing people, conversed about things that literally changed my life and reached out to people I never thought I could every speak to. Its a truly humbling thing to realize the support you have recieved, the love and encouragement, without which I probably wouldnt be the man I am right now.

I feel like this ray of light that was on his merry way without realizing that the stars and planets thousands of miles away were slowly changing my direction… Now four years later I couldnt have been here, at this moment without you wonderful people.

Thank you guys

The 25th year of my life had started on a very sorry note. I was incredibly depressed a year ago and what was more irritating was that I had no idea why. The first few months echoed that day and very soon I had almost stopped doing most of the things I loved. It was almost like I had forgotten the basics of how to be me… It took me a long time to get back on my feet and figure out things again. By the end of the year things had come a full circle. My last week doing the needed of finishing the last pieces of the puzzle that was my 25th year.

For me, the advent of a new year is something like the finish line… I make an effort to sprint across the line giving it all in the home stretch. There was a bunch of things on my todo list this last week and like the past few years I finished almost everything on that list. The list is in no way simple, it has tasks that take time and effort but what is rewarding is the thought that just these tasks on thier own make the whole year worthwhile. This year the tasks were very close to my heart. I was happy I could finish most of them in time

The day itself was packed. I had a pooja at home (not related to my bday) so had the company of my cousins for most of the day. In the evening I cut 3 cakes, almost did not get invited to one of the parties and finished the day with some very intellectual conversations about psychology and theater.

I got many calls from across the globe but wishes thru the Internet topped in numbers. Thanks for all the love folks its much appreciated.

All in all that was my 25th. Lets see what twists the 26th trip brings into my life.